Yesterday night I could not sleep I was restless due the heavy iPhone app work I have done and experienced recently.
So I decided to put a light base of Weed together with a low dose of Salvia into my small coca cola glass pipe.
I smoked it as it would be my favorite drink, with long inhalations, trying to penetrate the depth of my lungs with it with ought coughing. Let it flow through the lungs mildly and unleash its magic. I took only about 4 such hits and decided to put the pipe away since the effect was arising quickly.
It begann to feel very odd and scary like losing the control, I stood up and walked to my bathroom to drink some water from the sink. I was drinking and it felt like I lost the feeling of time I couldn’t say to myself anymore how long I was already drinking. So I stopped and started watching in the mirror. I could see a lot of insecurity and fear in my eyes but also a very good looking young man.
I decided it will be the best idea to go back to my bed and lie there with some nice chill music. The effect became stronger and stronger and it came with a whole bunch of fear. Like existential deathly fear, I started to imagen or memorize my traumatic event where I was almost beaten to death together with my brother from a spanish gang. The memory became more and more realistic as the effect of the salvia grew. All the feelings and pain came up, I gained the control to switch away from this thought but I decided to stay to examine the full amount of fear.
It was as different types of fear that hold me are shown to me.
I had a manifesting thought of my father shouting at me as a kid which also raised tremendous fear in me.
In my mind I saw like a rotation circle and my father falling behind and denying the need of new things because he couldn’t keep up with it. Then I had him death and a immense sadness and feeling of being lost in this crazy reality without reference point appeared. I observed my own decaying and sickening and the growing fear of my own awaiting death.
I really wanted to put the whole experience in a positive direction now and focused on the nice music that was playing.
Thoughts about my app’s and work appeared, it felt like a had some deep breakthroughs and also gave myself more permission to become successful, as a reward of facing some of my underlieng fears.
I was floating with the music and the fear passed away like a cloud, here and there small notions appeared, almost like saying to me: „Don’t get to lose and free else you will suffer, I tell you.“
My thoughts became more and more rapid and there where no felt gaps in-between anymore. It felt like a warm pillow I was sinking into. A garden eden appeared around me, I had my eyes closed. It felt like I had access to totally different areas of my brain now, like a garden eden in my mind, I felt liberated from fears. The image of the brain with millions of gateways appeared.
The thoughts where now so fast that it felt they are on the edge to leave the world of matter, becoming an other form of higher energy. For me it was like a reasonable thought that this speeding up lets us transcend the physical realm but I did not had enough to do so.
This morning I awaked and was eager to work on all my games. I updated all 10 of them and uploaded them to apple this event boosted my already declining motivation up again.